


Secrets

by Siubhantheelfninja



Category: Ragegamingvideos, Video Blogging & YouTube RPF, ragegaming, the rage gaming crew
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1400119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siubhantheelfninja/pseuds/Siubhantheelfninja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rage has... well, secrets. Things he keeps to himself. Rage doesn't know how to... handle these secrets, but won't tell anybody. These secrets will eat him out alive. What happens when his best mate Hollow begins to find out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this on Quotev.

Prologue

There was a boy  
A boy who had been my best friend forever  
There was another boy   
Who had also been my best friend.

Everyone falls for their best friend at one point  
That's just what I did.

But what happens  
When these two friends  
Find out about each other and  
Hate me for being in the middle?

I love the first friend  
He is very dear to me and   
Has been for a long time now.

The only thing is  
The second friend of mine?

He's not real.

His name is Depression and  
He lives in my head.


	2. Inner Demons

"Shut up!" I scream and wince in pain. I was only talking to the voices in my head but I said it out loud. Oh no, Aaron, Will, and Evanz are here! They will notice something is wrong. Shit!

"Um, Josh? Are you okay?" Aaron asked worriedly.

"Uh, y-yeah, I'm just f-fine" I quickly stammered. "I've got to go to the washroom, be right back." I breathe in quick and walk to the bathroom. I lock myself in and start crying.

"Stop. Crying." I whisper to myself.

_Haha dumb ass. Now everyone is going to know you're a freak._

"Shut up"

_How about you make another one of those pathetic red lines in your ugly skin?_

I quickly grabbed my razors from under the sink and held one shakingly over my wrist. I slowly made a long cut across my wrist. Then another. Eight cuts later I started bandaging them up so Aaron doesn't notice. I walk out of the washroom and find my friends all playing Hearthstone on my computer.

"Oh hey Josh, I was starting to become worried you were in the bathroom for nearly 20 minutes. Not that Will or Evanz would have realized that."

_Just starting to become worried. They really don't care._

"Huh?" Will and Evanz said, neither of them looking up from their computers.

"Um, yeah I'm f-fine" Lame. Why do I try?

"Okay then Josh. Tell me if you need something I guess."

_Today's going to be your last day on this planet. Hope you enjoy it slave._

_Maybe I should just kill myself already. But later, they're already worried._

"Can I play next round?" I asked and received a round of nods.


	3. Is it bad to laugh?

_Is it bad to be laughing at a time like this? Well laughing and crying and dying. Taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills does something to you._

 

I already gave them their notes but they won't realize that 'til it's to late. Even though they are here, they won't suspect a thing. Funny what a mask can do? You can look so happy but be so sad inside. It's too late. I told them I was going to sleep before our live stream. Bullshit. I never sleep. Not anymore.

 

My appetite is quite gone too. Must be a side effect of depression. Then again, dying is also a side effect of depression.

 

 

My mind is very fuzzy right now. The sleeping pills are finally taking effect. I don't know what is going to happen after this and that kind of scares me. I like being in control.

 

 

I'm going to miss my friends but they won't miss me. Even now half way dead, wrists slashed and bleeding, death still sounds more appealing. But everyone will be better off without me. that fat ass annoying faggot. Yup that's me. And that's all I'll ever be. Good bye.

 

Everything goes black and finally all I hear is

 

 

_silence._


	4. Hollow finds out

[Hollow's pov]

Fluke, Evans and I were playing Hearthstone over at Josh's house but josh didn't seem alright to me. He was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes and he told himself to shut up and sounded like he was trying not to cry.

At about midnight he told us he was going to get some sleep before our live stream which he does occasionally if he has uni or wants to go out tomorrow.

At about twelve thirty I checked my phone and what I read was quite weird to check my back pocket. 

"No! Shit! no!" I cry as I find Josh's unconscious body on the bathroom floor with an empty bottle of sleeping polls in his hand and many, many bleeding slashes on his wrist that were caused by a razor carelessly discarded to the side.  
Fluke and Evans soon ran to bathroom and are just as shocked as I was.   
"I- I called an ambulance they should be here any second now. He left us all notes. 

They pulled out there notes out of there back pockets and read them as the paramedics came and took Josh's body on a stretcher and tried to keep the slim heartbeat of his going. I tried to get in the ambulance with them, but the paramedics wouldn't let me pass.

"Son you can't come in the ambulance"

"But I'm his best friend, he needs me."

Still, they wouldn't let me. We all rode in my car to the hospital.


	5. Suicide Notes and Secret Love

I'm now sitting in the hospital room rereading for what seems to be the millionth time the letter he gave me. Fluke and Evans are playing minecraft on their phones so they don't have to think about him. But I can't think about anything else.

_Dear Aaron,_

_  
I haven't been the best lately. So before you get upset, it's not your fault. You're probably very confused right now so here it goes. What I have done is for the best. By the time you read this ill be dead. You will find me upstairs in my bathroom.  I didn't bother locking my door so you can just walk in._

  
       _You probably don't understand why I did what I did. That is a good thing. If you understood it would be bad because you would have a messed up mind like mine. I can try though to explain it so you might understand. I have been severely depressed since I was 14. I never told anyone because I felt embarrassed and like I was a failure. I thought I could handle it on my own. I became depressed because kids would pick on me blah blah blah [insert sob story here]. When I was 16 I thought I could cope with it, and started cutting. That was the worst mistake I've made in my life. It has become an addiction ever since._

  
       _Why did I kill myself? Why now, after all these years? The answer is simple: I gave up. I gave up fighting, I gave up acting, I gave up living. I never got help for this and I never will. Depression is like, walking up a stream current the wrong way. You keep getting knocked down. When you finally get to a rock and rest for a bit, you get knocked down harder. Whenever you scream for help, no one can hear you. You keep trying to do it on your own, eventually not asking for help until one day, you give up, and let the stream take you. I gave up._

  
       _There is one thing I want to admit to you though, I hope you won't tell anyone. I'm gay. I've had a crush on you since forever. No screw that- I'm in love with you. But you would never like me. So I never told you._

  
      _Anyways, remember this was not your fault and I blame no one but myself. Just one more thing, you said 'Goodnight' and I said 'Goodbye'._

  
 _Goodbye Hollow,_

  
                            _Josh_


	6. Hospitals and Confrontation

I groan softly as I try to open my eyes. My head hurts so fucking much. How much did I drink last night? Why can't I open my eyes? Why is the room so bright and why does it smell weird?

Memories came flooding back to me as I groaned more.

_Ha! You're so pathetic you can't even kill yourself right._

"SHUT UP", I yelled and shot up.

I took in my surroundings as I saw Hollow come to me and push me back down on the bed. I'm in a hospital room that has yellow walls the color of dandelions. It is covered in cheesy cat posters saying "get well soon!" and telling me "I can do it!". Too much enthusiasm for a hospital.

Will is still asleep through the chaos but has dark circles around his eyes. Evans looks better than Will, but not much better. He is awake and trying to get a nurse.

_To tell the whole hospital that you failed._

Hollow looks like he's been run over and like he has been crying.

Why does he care so much?

_Don't flatter yourself just yet, sweetie. He's probably just angry he had to stay here and watch you come back to life. He's disappointed you didn't die, faggot._

The nurse came in and talked to me for a while. It was kind of a blur of morphine and talk of therapists. I said no to everything. No meds. No therapists. No life. She then went to talk to Aaron. No doubt telling him what I told her, probably telling him to try and convince me.

Aaron comes in with tears in his eyes. He closes the door and composes himself.

"Do you really want to die?" He asks whimpering.

_Might I remind you of something? Oh, that's right, he doesn't care._

"Why do you care?" I grumble.

"Because I love you too"


End file.
